Self-care, self-love, self-awareness, self-discovery, self-compassion, self, self, self... self… SELF…
That’s a lot of “self”, huh? But is it bad?
Not necessarily
Self is often the beginning point to real change.
Change internal, becomes change external.
Let me explain.
About 4 years ago I started on a journey that led to me considering myself ALOT more than what I was used to. It was as if for the first time I had to come face to face with myself, and was forced to actually confront what was lying under the surface. The distraction of ‘busy’ and constant ‘doing, doing, doing’ was gone and I was alone, in a good way; in a needed way. There was only being. I guess the introduction to motherhood can be incredibly beneficial in this way.
A very long story short, a good (highly intuitive) friend of mine, knew what I needed in my valley. After having my firstborn arrive early at 33 weeks, there was much to process. She found the best possible psychologist for the things that I was dealing with, and weeks laters I was in my very first therapy meeting. Sounds scary - it’s really not (ps. make sure you read my side note about this at the end). It was the beginning point to a beautiful journey, of learning and unlearning (of the best kind). It was as if I was getting a tangible taste of what it means when the Bible tells us that Holy Spirit is our counsellor. We need Him in that way more than we can know.
Anyway, the story goes, this beautiful psychologist of mine introduced me to concepts I’d literally NEVER heard of. Ones like ‘self-compassion’, ‘self-kindness’ and ‘self-care’. These are all hot topics now, but trust me, 4 years ago I felt like I was being introduced to some alien concept that I may be heavily judged for.
I mean, I grew up in church, I knew the scriptures well: ‘Love your Neighbour as yourself’ is one of the great commandments. Duh? Right? Funny thing is, I never knew what self-love looked like in actual practice.
As I started to learn to love (which includes like, by the way) myself more, get more in tune with my needs and grow in self awareness, kindness and compassion, I genuinely had this thought:
“Am I selfish”
“Am I selfish for choosing not to be as involved as I used to be at my church to focus on me, my new baby and new way of life?”
“Am I selfish for putting up boundaries that I need?”
“Am I selfish for thinking of myself and wellbeing so much”
“Am I selfish for putting up boundaries that I need?”
“Am I selfish for thinking of myself and wellbeing so much”
The answer, I found, is a resounding…. NO.
It is not selfish to value your wellbeing
I am more convinced of this fact now all these years later than even then.
Why? Because -
Our internal world’s literally become our external worlds.
We can’t give from an empty cup, and we cannot give what we don’t have.
If we don’t have self-love, self-kindness, self-compassion, we sure as heck are not going to be able to freely give it.
It’s really upside down thinking that only makes sense in an upside down kingdom.
But it’s true - and it’s a spiritual law just as real as the natural law of gravity. The Bible says love others as you love yourself (Matt. 22v39). I think this is not only a command but reveals a divine order, making it incredibly clear to us we will literally love others the way we love ourselves.
Self-critical? I can guarantee you are highly critical of others (whether you show it or not). Have high (unrealistic) expectations of self? I can guarantee you also have these expectations of others. It’s the divine order; And it’s why it all begins with self. It is why self is the beginning of real change; in our homes, in our communities, and in the world.
This thinking may appear individualistic, but as Jordan B. Peterson perfectly reinstates:
“you get yourself together, so you can get your family together, so you can get your communities together”
Awareness of self, current state of being, is not selfish, it’s beneficial. Not only for you but for all those around you.
There’s a lot more that could be said on this topic. A LOT more; but for now just think about this:
We spend our whole lives getting to know others. How is it that we can go an entire lifetime without getting to know ourselves? Worse yet, neglecting self the entire way resulting in disconnection with self that not only inhibits our wellbeing but has a negative flow on effect to those around us.
You need to be with you for the rest of your life.
So, you need to like you. No, you need to LOVE you. You need to learn what ‘you’ needs. How you tick, what nourishes your soul, and conversely, what depletes it.
If you are on a similar journey or in a similar season where ‘you’ has been brought to the focus, you may be asking the same question I did: “am I selfish? And the answer to that my friend is, no, no you are not. You are not selfish for investing in and taking care of yourself, a healthy you is a you that can better help and love others. Take the season for what it is, and once you have turned your attention inward, turn it outward once again (though, most times, this will naturally happen).
It is in fact the work of the noble and of the brave, to come face to face with self and surrender that self completely to the transformation of mind and soul under the guidance and kindness of Holy Spirit.
Your family will benefit, your friends will benefit, and your world will benefit.
‘Love yourself’ just got a whole new meaning, didn’t it?
With love,
SIDE NOTE: There should be no shame in admitting the need for help. A psychologist is a gift to humanity (in my opinion). Understanding the human psyche, helping make sense of emotions and mental battles can only be good - at least it’s the starting point. They can literally help us in the process of being transformed by the renewing of our mind! And, as Christians, being emotionally and mentally well beings is crucial to our overall spiritual state. Having someone help you through tough seasons is not a sign of weakness. May you be free from shame for the need to ever need to reach out for that little extra help. This is the main reason why I specifically chose to be vulnerable about this part of my life.
